On Turning 68: The Big Picture
“And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell.” NASV
We were changing my Mom for bed, just as we’ve done every night for almost three years.
My Mom stared at me, her brow furrowed quizzically but partly fearfully.
“Do you know who that is?” my wife asked her.
“No,” she said, shaking her head slightly.
“I’m your son,” I said. There was no sign of an “aha!” or recognition. Just a blank stare. It’s not so much a gut-punch now, just a sad sigh.
We’re all lost in some dark nook in her mind. She didn’t know “who that man is” who lay dead in his bed next to hers, with whom she shared a bed for 68 years. Since Dad died she hasn’t asked about him, even though he was convinced he couldn’t leave the house for more than an hour because Mom would miss him. We don’t bring up that he died to her, partly because it would be a “Groundhog Day/50 First Dates” event for her every time, partly because ten seconds after we tell her she won’t remember it anyway. I know the day is coming that I will be a permanent stranger to her. But I also know that she will immediately forget the stranger who just walked into and out of her bedroom, and she’ll meet me for the first time again.
I cannot image what it is to lose 91 years and 10 seconds of memories.
It was a “non-event birthday” because of chemo side effects. I lay in bed and thought about what I’ve lost in the past month, this past year, five years…. and then all I’ve lost in the last 68 years: seven moves around the world, friends drifting off, foster kids coming and going, employees, co-workers and clients leaving, romances dying, killing a marriage, changing churches and neighborhoods, children flying the nest. I’ve buried a brother, my father, my father in law, a best friend, an ex-wife, friends, acquaintances, guilt, shameful events, evidence, talents, and memories.
I thought of the scripture. I realized that, over the years, I have lost parts of my life that were good because I had unwisely cut them off and thrown them away. Some cuts and losses were stupidly voluntary, some purposeful (for good or bad), others were just consequences of neglect, inattention and laziness. I’m striving to enter the kingdom without some necessary things, I’m still well equipped for the journey to hell with uncut things.
I wondered if I’d be any wiser in my remaining years than I’ve been, or will I gracefully (and perhaps thankfully) just lose my mind, and will God in His grace count that as a good thing? Looking back I see my life as a mosaic made up of what is kept and what is cast away. Our essential human question is: What do we deem necessary to retain and to reject in order to attain to our “kingdom” or to avoid our hell (we all have a kingdom and a hell that we believe in, an idealized life or afterlife, whether biblically defined or not). What attractions and evils within our heart will we deny ourselves, sacrifice, cut off and throw away for the kingdom’s sake? But too, what evil will we tolerate, rationalize and embrace, and what good will we turn from, compromise, neglect, and lose that will cripple us and make it impossible to dance, dodge, skip, run or perhaps even limp toward it?
At some point in life, in the middle of the night with just our own shallow, mortal breath in our ears and our heartbeat ticking our remaining seconds away, we come to the realization that we’ve unwisely cut off and selfishly embraced too many things and we are crippled. It is then that we find ourselves crawling on the ground reaching for the hem of a dirty garment, or lying six inches from a healing pool with no way to get in, or blind because we had plucked out both eyes, the good and the bad, and call out to a passing stranger whose voice sounded like God’s.
It is a good thing that, even though both good and offending parts have perished along our way, there is a resurrection and the restoration of all things, including our lost minds.
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Shameless Promotional Postscript
Welcome to Pithless Thoughts II.
This blog, besides random musings and just stuff that I’m going to experiment with, will be the puzzle pieces of the Big Picture. I’ll be writing stories of my quest for my kingdoms as I imagined them through my life: reflections, ruminations, revisionist hagiography of memories, considering the present tribulations and joys, and commentary on the absurdity of even trying to be objective about one’s own journey and life in general. It won’t always be pretty, long, pithy, funny, or spiritual. I might even cuss a little.
This is what I’m doing to make some money while I am quarantined with cancer treatment and unable to build things. Please subscribe if you can, I’ll try to make it worth it to you. Thank you.