I read this the other day and realized my life is on par with that of a Saint:
Saint Ephrem the Syrian casts a net into his soul. Can WE dredge up anything less foul in our own?
“After having gained knowledge of the truth, I have become a brawler and an offender. I argue over trifles; I have become envious of and callous toward my neighbor, merciless toward beggars, wrathful, argumentative, obstinate, slothful, irritable. I harbor vile thoughts, I love fancy clothing. And to this day I have many corrupt thoughts and fits of selfishness, gluttony, sensuality, vainglory, arrogance, lust, gossiping, breaking of fasts, despondency, rivalry, and indignation.
I am worthless, but think much of myself. I lie constantly, but get angry with liars. I defile the temple of my body with wanton thoughts, but sternly judge the wanton. I condemn those who fall, but myself fall constantly. I condemn slanderers and thieves, but am myself both a thief and a slanderer. I walk with a bright countenance, although I am altogether impure.
In churches and at banquets I always want to take the place of honor. I see hermits and act dignified; I see monks and I become pompous. I strive to appear pleasing to women, dignified to strangers, intelligent and reasonable to my neighbors, superior to intellectuals. With the righteous I act as if I possess vast wisdom; the unintelligent I disdain as illiterates.
If I am offended, I take revenge. If I am honored, I shun those who honor me. If someone demands of me what is rightfully his, I start a suit. And those who tell me the truth I consider enemies. When my error is exposed, I get angry, but I am not so dissatisfied when people flatter me.
I do not want to honour those who are worthy but I myself, who am unworthy, demand honour. I do not want to tire myself with work, but if someone fails to serve me I get angry with him. I do not want to walk among laborers, but if someone fails to help me in my work I slander him.
I arrogantly deny my brother when he is in need, but when I have need of something, I turn to him. I hate those who are ill, but when I myself am ill I wish that everyone would love me. I do not want to know those who are higher than I, and I scorn those who are lower.
If I abstain from indulging my foolish desires, I praise myself vaingloriously. If I succeed in vigilance, I fall into the snares of conceit and contradiction. If I refrain from eating, I drown in pride and arrogance. If I am wakeful in prayer, I am vanquished by irritability and wrath. If I see virtue in someone, I studiously ignore him.
I have scorned worldly pleasures, but do not abandon my vain desire for them. If I see a woman, I go into raptures. To all appearances I am wise in humility, but in my soul I am haughty. I seem not to be acquisitive, but in reality I suffer from a mania for possessions. And what good is it to dwell on such things? I appear to have forsaken the world, but in fact I still think about worldly things all the time.
During services I always occupy myself with conversations, wandering thoughts, and vain recollections. During meals I indulge in idle chatter. I yearn for gifts. I participate in the sinful falls of others and engage in ruinous rivalry.
Such is my life! With what vileness do I obstruct my own salvation! And my arrogance, my vainglory does not permit me to think about my sores that I might cure myself. Behold my virtuous feats! See how vast are the regiments of sins which the enemy sends to campaign against me! Yet in the face of all this, I who am wretched endeavor to boast of sanctity. I live in sin, but want others to honor me as a righteous man.
In all this I have but one thing to say in my defense: the devil has ensnared me. But this did not suffice to absolve Adam of his sin. Cain was of course also prompted by the devil, but he did not escape condemnation either. What shall I do if the Lord comes to me? I have no means to justify my negligence.
I fear that I shall be numbered among those whom Paul called vessels of wrath, who will share the devil's fate and whom God, because of their contempt for Him, has committed to the passions of degradation. Thus there is the danger that I will be sentenced to the same fate.
If You would save me, who am unworthy, O Merciful Lord, vouchsafe me, a sinner, repentance; enliven my soul deadened by sins, O Giver of Life. Drive out the stony hardness that is in my miserable heart and grant me a fountain of contrition, O You who poured forth life to us from Your life-creating rib.”
Perfectly. and it gives me much hope. There is much to be in awe of but nothing to be afraid of. There is much to be repented of but nothing of which to despair.
Your candid and frank description of your frustrations and failures and flailings and fallings is a gift, Steve.
I especially resonated with this:
“My house became my domestic monastery, church, spiritual disciplines, liturgy and wilderness. I prayed the ‘Abbreviated Psalter’: God d*mn it. Holy sh*t. F*ck me. What the hell. My life itself became my sacrament.”
Reading it chokes me up.
Thank God for His kindness and His goodness toward us sinners. I’ve said it recently and I say it again — I look forward to the day I can shake your hand.
I’m in the wilderness now myself. I miss the church, I love the church, and I dread going back. What you have written here means more to me than I can ever express. Thank you.
As many times as I've been in a spiritual wilderness (not just with Orthodoxy), all I can say is, it's not a permanent dwelling... more like an AirBnB we rent a few times throughout our life. No Promised Land is permanent, nor is the Valley of the Shadow of Death even.... Hang in there, brother.
Man, thanks. This article was such a relief; I don't know how to talk about this stuff with, you know, like orthodox-Orthodox people. I restacked your article and what a reader of mine said about it opened up so much space for me: "I wonder if a lot of the angst dissipates if we come to view the Orthodox Church, not as some bounded institution, but as a growing body moving, albeit in fits and starts, toward an ultimate horizon that no eye has fully seen nor ear fully heard. In other words, we think more eschatologically about the church and less protologically..." And what I said was: "Here in America, at least, there is such a strong, almost manically ideological orientation toward the past, as a reaction to the nihilist rejection thereof, which fixates on 'we have found Orthodoxy, the fullness of the faith. It is the New Testament church, the New Testament church was never lost—here it is: just surrender to it. Don’t add anything, don’t subtract anything, just bow.' Within a culture where that is more and more that ethos—the OrthoBro-ification of Orthodoxy—it is so hard to find a way to exist on the margins and be a part of the fringe growth toward the unknown…." I think in my writing I want to sprout hard in that fringe growth arena, which sounds like outright rebellion at times, but everything I say, no matter how crazy, is mild compared to what Sherrard and Schmemann say (and usually, I just repeat what they say, and then run and hide). Since I have to make my very, very meagre living from writing now, and because - for whatever psychological reasons - there is no difference between what I think/feel, and what I publicly write, my "wilderness" phase is awkwardly public...but so be it. I'm a mess, my life is a mess; so be it. I've said I'm leaving Orthodoxy -- which I otherwise described as fasting from going to church and fasting from an Orthodox identity -- because I want total freedom to say things without worrying about people thinking I'm describing anything they'll be able to find in Orthodoxy, if they love what I say, because I think they won't...but I wish that they, and I, could, and would...
Yeah, the "Church as fixed institution" (though no one yet has given me a date when EVERYTHING in the church has become immutable and any jot/tittle/practice that is changed is now officially declared "heretical") is an ideology, not "Tradition". The world has "identity politics", we American converts seem to mostly have "identity Christianity".
Whoever said that thing about the eschatological horizon almost certainly got it from DBH's book *Tradition and Apocalypse*—you should check that out if you haven't.
I have something nice to say about Minnesota: This book is actually available via interlibrary loan. Just requested it. And thanks for pointing it out, Sethu -- it looks like just the thing.
I feel ya. When a trusted, admired, even, dare I say it, revered, Orthodox priest lied to me, it broke me. Enough to call the Bishop in my pain. I was treated so graciously and with truth and kindness my broken self was reset, like a bone. I retain an internal sadness, and have forgiven him, not just for the lie to me, but for the chaos left in his wake. But I found I was looking for healing from the Church, when what I need is healing from God Himself!
Indeed, the breaking of trust is probably the hardest thing to get over and even if you can forgive the sadness and grief lingers. God be with your spirit.
He does not admit the lie or to any culpability for his other actions, and I’ve been instructed to go no contact. He does not know that I am aware of the lie. It is sad. I love him, and am grateful for what he built in my spiritual life.
It has been many moons since we last spoke, but of all the early Ortho-folks back in the day I always felt most comfortable around you. No beatific visions for the likes of us. Just life lived in spiritual survival mode. I am not a better man than I was, I wouldn't even know what that would look like.
But I still say God is good. I might be a liar but that's still the truth coming from my mouth. And here is my unconditional apology that your struggles have been a blessing to me and I have not returned anything to you my brother except my feeble prayers. Forgive me.
I lurk quite a bit, mostly in the back pew. Some people thought I ran off and became Catholic, but I just changed parishes. The Greeks try their best to cheer me up now, but I am about to turn 52 and enter into the peak curmugeoning phase of life. Still, I'm not unkind to them.
Can't sing Byz-tones to save my life, but since everyone else in the room has a Western ear, they can't tell the difference between 4th Plagal and just singing off key anyway.
I don't know you, or your tradition, and this is the first time I've ever read your blog. But if this didn't hit the nail right on the head for me. I'm a convert with the 7-year itch, with the very imperfections and gripes you described, and I've gotta figure out how to stay Orthodox. This might be some of the best advice I've ever received since marriage counseling (the other sacrament, not this one). Thank you.
I'm glad my ruminations have touched your life. May God grant you peace, wisdom and strength. It's a long marathon, sometimes you need to stop at a watering station and sit still. God bless!
I enjoyed this. It's the truth. There is always a tension between what could be, what God desires for us, and where our congregations are right now. That is the hardest thing to bear in my own service. God bless you in all things.
I was baptized into the Orthodox Church in 2002, and I think one of the best things that happened to me was that I was never in a position to take a leadership role in the parish I was baptized in, which I was part of for four years. I was quite young, I lived far away, and I didn't speak the language or belong to the culture of the parish. Despite all that, it offered me a chance just to observe and start getting used to things. I sang in the choir, and the choir director was somebody I came to like a lot despite being kind of afraid of her at first. :)
Not that I haven't had a good number of issues, both small & large over the years with people, up to and including a certain bishop, I've held on. Covid came really close to making me want to give up though. And so I'd be the biggest hypocrite to condemn anyone for saying "enough".
And yet... More recently, I've felt moved to be more serious about being Orthodox, but it has had so very little to do with "Church". Things like calling people in the telephone, going through the clothes that are too little for my kids to give to people who can use them, meeting a friend for breakfast occasionally , especially knowing it's a tough stretch, etc. It's a very different thing, even though it's part of the same thing.
"Being more serious about being Orthodox"... sounds like you are "getting it": We are (Orthodox) CHRISTIANS. Orthodox is an adjective, not a noun. If it's not helping us be Christians we got it wrong. God bless you!
Have hung on to your ruminations Re: becoming vs. staying for a few years now. Shared the sobering idea with not a few glowing inquirers/catechumens, reminded myself on low Sundays when my attitude had me wondering if I might spontaneously combust on entering the church, and try to remember that we're after Christ. Really hope we get to knock one back in person one of these days.
"We're after Christ".... It's so hard to lose that in "identity/ideological Christianity".... I'm always up for knocking one back! Let me know if you're ever in the Phoenix area!
Now I want to know more :) Is this a lament on the loss felt when we encounter "identity/ideological Christianity"(or at least our perception of it) instead of a more guileless expression in ourselves or others? If so, then I certainly relate.
And still it's strange how it can be (not always, but can be) encouraging at the same time—As in….it moves you closer to seeing a shred of what a holy fool might see: the utter foolishness of Our games and thereby the overwhelming extravagance of His patience, love, and longsuffering(one of my favorite words the church taught me).
"I wish I could say I did reader’s services at home, fasted and prayed 10,000 Jesus prayers and did 500 prostrations a day, and read a hundred books by “Holy Mountain” people... but I didn’t... I prayed the 'Abbreviated Psalter': God d*mn it. Holy sh*t. F*ck me. What the hell. My life itself became my sacrament."
Your raw words of honest truth are precious beyond measure.
Timely, thanks be to God for you baring it all. I received this in my inbox after a heart wrenching text message from my Godson with all his excuses to why he is leaving the “church”.
We humans can make an idol of anything even more so His One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.
As we used to say in counseling when people made "bad" decisions: "Any excuse works, just pick one and move on..." Sometimes we need to justify a choice that is deeper than the excuses. Hopefully as we grow and face our "demons" we find our true self and true reasons and work things out. God be with him and grant you wisdom as you relate to him.
Thank you, it’s the refusal to face His demons is why he is leaving. He’d rather listen to a stranger on the internet than the people who have laughed and cried with him the last 20 years. You can ask a multitude of gurus in any faith and ignore them all.
Orthodoxy asks us to carry our cross and face the ugly. At the end of the day he will still have to face himself no matter the decision or how it’s made.
I wandered away from the Church for 7 years and I am convinced that the faithful prayers of my Godmother were instrumental in bringing me back. Just pray for him and trust God to guide him.
I read this and found a somewhat kindred journey, though not exactly. I read a couple of things that I need to re-read and maybe respond to. Until then - Many Years and Blessings to you and Family. +
I read this the other day and realized my life is on par with that of a Saint:
Saint Ephrem the Syrian casts a net into his soul. Can WE dredge up anything less foul in our own?
“After having gained knowledge of the truth, I have become a brawler and an offender. I argue over trifles; I have become envious of and callous toward my neighbor, merciless toward beggars, wrathful, argumentative, obstinate, slothful, irritable. I harbor vile thoughts, I love fancy clothing. And to this day I have many corrupt thoughts and fits of selfishness, gluttony, sensuality, vainglory, arrogance, lust, gossiping, breaking of fasts, despondency, rivalry, and indignation.
I am worthless, but think much of myself. I lie constantly, but get angry with liars. I defile the temple of my body with wanton thoughts, but sternly judge the wanton. I condemn those who fall, but myself fall constantly. I condemn slanderers and thieves, but am myself both a thief and a slanderer. I walk with a bright countenance, although I am altogether impure.
In churches and at banquets I always want to take the place of honor. I see hermits and act dignified; I see monks and I become pompous. I strive to appear pleasing to women, dignified to strangers, intelligent and reasonable to my neighbors, superior to intellectuals. With the righteous I act as if I possess vast wisdom; the unintelligent I disdain as illiterates.
If I am offended, I take revenge. If I am honored, I shun those who honor me. If someone demands of me what is rightfully his, I start a suit. And those who tell me the truth I consider enemies. When my error is exposed, I get angry, but I am not so dissatisfied when people flatter me.
I do not want to honour those who are worthy but I myself, who am unworthy, demand honour. I do not want to tire myself with work, but if someone fails to serve me I get angry with him. I do not want to walk among laborers, but if someone fails to help me in my work I slander him.
I arrogantly deny my brother when he is in need, but when I have need of something, I turn to him. I hate those who are ill, but when I myself am ill I wish that everyone would love me. I do not want to know those who are higher than I, and I scorn those who are lower.
If I abstain from indulging my foolish desires, I praise myself vaingloriously. If I succeed in vigilance, I fall into the snares of conceit and contradiction. If I refrain from eating, I drown in pride and arrogance. If I am wakeful in prayer, I am vanquished by irritability and wrath. If I see virtue in someone, I studiously ignore him.
I have scorned worldly pleasures, but do not abandon my vain desire for them. If I see a woman, I go into raptures. To all appearances I am wise in humility, but in my soul I am haughty. I seem not to be acquisitive, but in reality I suffer from a mania for possessions. And what good is it to dwell on such things? I appear to have forsaken the world, but in fact I still think about worldly things all the time.
During services I always occupy myself with conversations, wandering thoughts, and vain recollections. During meals I indulge in idle chatter. I yearn for gifts. I participate in the sinful falls of others and engage in ruinous rivalry.
Such is my life! With what vileness do I obstruct my own salvation! And my arrogance, my vainglory does not permit me to think about my sores that I might cure myself. Behold my virtuous feats! See how vast are the regiments of sins which the enemy sends to campaign against me! Yet in the face of all this, I who am wretched endeavor to boast of sanctity. I live in sin, but want others to honor me as a righteous man.
In all this I have but one thing to say in my defense: the devil has ensnared me. But this did not suffice to absolve Adam of his sin. Cain was of course also prompted by the devil, but he did not escape condemnation either. What shall I do if the Lord comes to me? I have no means to justify my negligence.
I fear that I shall be numbered among those whom Paul called vessels of wrath, who will share the devil's fate and whom God, because of their contempt for Him, has committed to the passions of degradation. Thus there is the danger that I will be sentenced to the same fate.
If You would save me, who am unworthy, O Merciful Lord, vouchsafe me, a sinner, repentance; enliven my soul deadened by sins, O Giver of Life. Drive out the stony hardness that is in my miserable heart and grant me a fountain of contrition, O You who poured forth life to us from Your life-creating rib.”
Man, he nails it, doesn't he?
Perfectly. and it gives me much hope. There is much to be in awe of but nothing to be afraid of. There is much to be repented of but nothing of which to despair.
Your candid and frank description of your frustrations and failures and flailings and fallings is a gift, Steve.
I especially resonated with this:
“My house became my domestic monastery, church, spiritual disciplines, liturgy and wilderness. I prayed the ‘Abbreviated Psalter’: God d*mn it. Holy sh*t. F*ck me. What the hell. My life itself became my sacrament.”
Reading it chokes me up.
Thank God for His kindness and His goodness toward us sinners. I’ve said it recently and I say it again — I look forward to the day I can shake your hand.
Thank you, Nate. God willing one day we can tip a few together!
I’m in the wilderness now myself. I miss the church, I love the church, and I dread going back. What you have written here means more to me than I can ever express. Thank you.
As many times as I've been in a spiritual wilderness (not just with Orthodoxy), all I can say is, it's not a permanent dwelling... more like an AirBnB we rent a few times throughout our life. No Promised Land is permanent, nor is the Valley of the Shadow of Death even.... Hang in there, brother.
Same, same, same, same, and same. And same.
Seems like there's a lot of same going around.... :) Blessings, brother!
Man, thanks. This article was such a relief; I don't know how to talk about this stuff with, you know, like orthodox-Orthodox people. I restacked your article and what a reader of mine said about it opened up so much space for me: "I wonder if a lot of the angst dissipates if we come to view the Orthodox Church, not as some bounded institution, but as a growing body moving, albeit in fits and starts, toward an ultimate horizon that no eye has fully seen nor ear fully heard. In other words, we think more eschatologically about the church and less protologically..." And what I said was: "Here in America, at least, there is such a strong, almost manically ideological orientation toward the past, as a reaction to the nihilist rejection thereof, which fixates on 'we have found Orthodoxy, the fullness of the faith. It is the New Testament church, the New Testament church was never lost—here it is: just surrender to it. Don’t add anything, don’t subtract anything, just bow.' Within a culture where that is more and more that ethos—the OrthoBro-ification of Orthodoxy—it is so hard to find a way to exist on the margins and be a part of the fringe growth toward the unknown…." I think in my writing I want to sprout hard in that fringe growth arena, which sounds like outright rebellion at times, but everything I say, no matter how crazy, is mild compared to what Sherrard and Schmemann say (and usually, I just repeat what they say, and then run and hide). Since I have to make my very, very meagre living from writing now, and because - for whatever psychological reasons - there is no difference between what I think/feel, and what I publicly write, my "wilderness" phase is awkwardly public...but so be it. I'm a mess, my life is a mess; so be it. I've said I'm leaving Orthodoxy -- which I otherwise described as fasting from going to church and fasting from an Orthodox identity -- because I want total freedom to say things without worrying about people thinking I'm describing anything they'll be able to find in Orthodoxy, if they love what I say, because I think they won't...but I wish that they, and I, could, and would...
Yeah, the "Church as fixed institution" (though no one yet has given me a date when EVERYTHING in the church has become immutable and any jot/tittle/practice that is changed is now officially declared "heretical") is an ideology, not "Tradition". The world has "identity politics", we American converts seem to mostly have "identity Christianity".
Whoever said that thing about the eschatological horizon almost certainly got it from DBH's book *Tradition and Apocalypse*—you should check that out if you haven't.
I have something nice to say about Minnesota: This book is actually available via interlibrary loan. Just requested it. And thanks for pointing it out, Sethu -- it looks like just the thing.
I feel ya. When a trusted, admired, even, dare I say it, revered, Orthodox priest lied to me, it broke me. Enough to call the Bishop in my pain. I was treated so graciously and with truth and kindness my broken self was reset, like a bone. I retain an internal sadness, and have forgiven him, not just for the lie to me, but for the chaos left in his wake. But I found I was looking for healing from the Church, when what I need is healing from God Himself!
Indeed, the breaking of trust is probably the hardest thing to get over and even if you can forgive the sadness and grief lingers. God be with your spirit.
Have you forgiven the priest & told him so?
Priests. And bishops. And yes, I work at reconciliation and peace. I do not (try to not) leave loose ends in ecclesial relationships.
He does not admit the lie or to any culpability for his other actions, and I’ve been instructed to go no contact. He does not know that I am aware of the lie. It is sad. I love him, and am grateful for what he built in my spiritual life.
I apologize. The reply was meant for Kim.
It was an appropriate question for me too.... :)
It has been many moons since we last spoke, but of all the early Ortho-folks back in the day I always felt most comfortable around you. No beatific visions for the likes of us. Just life lived in spiritual survival mode. I am not a better man than I was, I wouldn't even know what that would look like.
But I still say God is good. I might be a liar but that's still the truth coming from my mouth. And here is my unconditional apology that your struggles have been a blessing to me and I have not returned anything to you my brother except my feeble prayers. Forgive me.
DAVID!!! So good to hear from you! Yes, it has been many, many moons and lots of water under the bridge. I'm glad you're still lurking around!
I lurk quite a bit, mostly in the back pew. Some people thought I ran off and became Catholic, but I just changed parishes. The Greeks try their best to cheer me up now, but I am about to turn 52 and enter into the peak curmugeoning phase of life. Still, I'm not unkind to them.
Can't sing Byz-tones to save my life, but since everyone else in the room has a Western ear, they can't tell the difference between 4th Plagal and just singing off key anyway.
Spot on.
I laughed. I cried.
Love you man.
Thank you, Father! May it be blessed!
Hi Fr. Stephan! Good to "see you here". Love to the family!
I don't know you, or your tradition, and this is the first time I've ever read your blog. But if this didn't hit the nail right on the head for me. I'm a convert with the 7-year itch, with the very imperfections and gripes you described, and I've gotta figure out how to stay Orthodox. This might be some of the best advice I've ever received since marriage counseling (the other sacrament, not this one). Thank you.
I'm glad my ruminations have touched your life. May God grant you peace, wisdom and strength. It's a long marathon, sometimes you need to stop at a watering station and sit still. God bless!
Dang. Just...yeah. Taken to heart. Noted. Lord have mercy...
I enjoyed this. It's the truth. There is always a tension between what could be, what God desires for us, and where our congregations are right now. That is the hardest thing to bear in my own service. God bless you in all things.
So good. I relate to so much of what you have said here as always. I appreciate your writing so honestly about your experiences.
That was beautiful and rings true in so many ways for me and for people I’m walking along side. Thank you for putting it on “paper” for us.
I was baptized into the Orthodox Church in 2002, and I think one of the best things that happened to me was that I was never in a position to take a leadership role in the parish I was baptized in, which I was part of for four years. I was quite young, I lived far away, and I didn't speak the language or belong to the culture of the parish. Despite all that, it offered me a chance just to observe and start getting used to things. I sang in the choir, and the choir director was somebody I came to like a lot despite being kind of afraid of her at first. :)
Not that I haven't had a good number of issues, both small & large over the years with people, up to and including a certain bishop, I've held on. Covid came really close to making me want to give up though. And so I'd be the biggest hypocrite to condemn anyone for saying "enough".
And yet... More recently, I've felt moved to be more serious about being Orthodox, but it has had so very little to do with "Church". Things like calling people in the telephone, going through the clothes that are too little for my kids to give to people who can use them, meeting a friend for breakfast occasionally , especially knowing it's a tough stretch, etc. It's a very different thing, even though it's part of the same thing.
"Being more serious about being Orthodox"... sounds like you are "getting it": We are (Orthodox) CHRISTIANS. Orthodox is an adjective, not a noun. If it's not helping us be Christians we got it wrong. God bless you!
Have hung on to your ruminations Re: becoming vs. staying for a few years now. Shared the sobering idea with not a few glowing inquirers/catechumens, reminded myself on low Sundays when my attitude had me wondering if I might spontaneously combust on entering the church, and try to remember that we're after Christ. Really hope we get to knock one back in person one of these days.
"We're after Christ".... It's so hard to lose that in "identity/ideological Christianity".... I'm always up for knocking one back! Let me know if you're ever in the Phoenix area!
Now I want to know more :) Is this a lament on the loss felt when we encounter "identity/ideological Christianity"(or at least our perception of it) instead of a more guileless expression in ourselves or others? If so, then I certainly relate.
And still it's strange how it can be (not always, but can be) encouraging at the same time—As in….it moves you closer to seeing a shred of what a holy fool might see: the utter foolishness of Our games and thereby the overwhelming extravagance of His patience, love, and longsuffering(one of my favorite words the church taught me).
"I wish I could say I did reader’s services at home, fasted and prayed 10,000 Jesus prayers and did 500 prostrations a day, and read a hundred books by “Holy Mountain” people... but I didn’t... I prayed the 'Abbreviated Psalter': God d*mn it. Holy sh*t. F*ck me. What the hell. My life itself became my sacrament."
Your raw words of honest truth are precious beyond measure.
May the Lord, indeed, accept it all.
Christ is Risen!
Timely, thanks be to God for you baring it all. I received this in my inbox after a heart wrenching text message from my Godson with all his excuses to why he is leaving the “church”.
We humans can make an idol of anything even more so His One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.
What a plethora of excuses we have!
Pray for the servant of God Theophil. ☦️
As we used to say in counseling when people made "bad" decisions: "Any excuse works, just pick one and move on..." Sometimes we need to justify a choice that is deeper than the excuses. Hopefully as we grow and face our "demons" we find our true self and true reasons and work things out. God be with him and grant you wisdom as you relate to him.
Thank you, it’s the refusal to face His demons is why he is leaving. He’d rather listen to a stranger on the internet than the people who have laughed and cried with him the last 20 years. You can ask a multitude of gurus in any faith and ignore them all.
Orthodoxy asks us to carry our cross and face the ugly. At the end of the day he will still have to face himself no matter the decision or how it’s made.
I wandered away from the Church for 7 years and I am convinced that the faithful prayers of my Godmother were instrumental in bringing me back. Just pray for him and trust God to guide him.
I read this and found a somewhat kindred journey, though not exactly. I read a couple of things that I need to re-read and maybe respond to. Until then - Many Years and Blessings to you and Family. +