"These are the hard intersections of family dynamics: Humility, humiliation, trust and suspicion, strength and weakness, the reversal of roles and the shifting of dependence and power, the giving up and giving in to control, authority over “stuff”, and the constriction of freedom and independence."...beautifully said.
Dear Steve, Yes the being a child is always a given. While caring for my dad I always deferred to his wishes, but told him respectfully what I thought...For years I told him I would care for him when the independent living community wanted to stick him in the $7,000/mo. Assisted care facility. When that time arrived, we spent 4 wonderful years hanging out with each other until he passed a year ago. As for respecting his will on many matters, I am still paying the price a year concerning things that got neglected. Because he had his mental facilities intact to the end I thought it was better to let him remain the parent, and just show him love so his remaining days would be bright.
Richard, I think if it was just my Dad he would have opted to stay in a nursing home rather than live with us. He couldn't bear to see my Mom in a home and I think that drove his choice. The finances worked out that between the two of us selling our houses we could buy a place that was big enough for all of us and pay for private caregivers for my Mom (and ultimately for him). It was a wise financial decision.... and my Dad was pretty much all about his money, so that was a BIG factor too. We are grateful that he had the means that we could even do this "plan", a lot of people don't.
"These are the hard intersections of family dynamics: Humility, humiliation, trust and suspicion, strength and weakness, the reversal of roles and the shifting of dependence and power, the giving up and giving in to control, authority over “stuff”, and the constriction of freedom and independence."...beautifully said.
Dear Steve, Yes the being a child is always a given. While caring for my dad I always deferred to his wishes, but told him respectfully what I thought...For years I told him I would care for him when the independent living community wanted to stick him in the $7,000/mo. Assisted care facility. When that time arrived, we spent 4 wonderful years hanging out with each other until he passed a year ago. As for respecting his will on many matters, I am still paying the price a year concerning things that got neglected. Because he had his mental facilities intact to the end I thought it was better to let him remain the parent, and just show him love so his remaining days would be bright.
Richard, I think if it was just my Dad he would have opted to stay in a nursing home rather than live with us. He couldn't bear to see my Mom in a home and I think that drove his choice. The finances worked out that between the two of us selling our houses we could buy a place that was big enough for all of us and pay for private caregivers for my Mom (and ultimately for him). It was a wise financial decision.... and my Dad was pretty much all about his money, so that was a BIG factor too. We are grateful that he had the means that we could even do this "plan", a lot of people don't.