What Have I Done?!

Reflections on an old man's hands

In my 74 years this hand has learned to print and write cursive, bathe a dead man, build an iconostasis, a mansion and a bird house, wipe a tear and create one, change the diapers of a child and a parent, pour a beer (both into a glass and down the drain), dig a ditch and a grave, craft a casket, color inside and outside the lines, knead a loaf of bread dough, pound a pulpit and overturn tables, write a computer program, a Master’s thesis, a love letter, a book, and an insult, sign a marriage and a death certificate, put a Band-aid on a boo-boo and duct tape on a bleeding gash, cook for dozens and for one, turn the page of a book and a life decision, pull the trigger on a gun and an idea, pull a tooth and stop a nosebleed, bait a hook, gut a deer and a friendship, clean an altar and a toilet, hitch-hike and drive a stick shift, pet a mean dog, sew a button, take a blessing and give freely, mic a crankshaft, point in the wrong direction, draw a portrait and a cartoon, give a thumbs up and a middle finger, demolish a house and a marriage, shake hands and hug desperately, break boards and promises, beat an adversary and caress a lover, change an ostomy bag, dress a bishop, anoint the dead, wave hello and goodbye, build a motorcycle and twist its throttle, make a bar-chord and play the blues, throw a pot in anger and on a wheel, torque a bolt, develop a photograph, cleanse a chalice and a mess-kit, handle a snake, cradle a dying dog…,

hang on too long,

…and let go too soon.

As a young man I saw the parochial consequences of the work of my hands and judged my life by my constricted view. As I’ve aged I’ve seen beyond my own house, to a new generation, to my children’s children and to generations of people I have never met incarnationally. I’ve come to realize that Tolstoy and Dostoevsky are correct: our life and the history of the world is in our hands. Today. In this present moment.

Elder Zosima (The Brothers Karamazov) says, ”You strike a blow in one place, and it echoes at the other end of the world.” Everything we touch changes us and is felt by the entire world and reverberates through all history.

Such a responsibility is a harrowing realization, a terrifying conferring of influence and power we did not know we have, that should fill our soul with dreadful caution. Left to ourselves it may become prelest or paralysis. The only way to be at peace with this knowledge is through humility.

Solomon says, “Whatsoever thine hand shall find to do, do with all thy might” (Ecclesiastes 9:10). St. Peter instructs us how to do this in the way of peace, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, having cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you.” (I Peter 5:6-7)

He cares for you and He cares for the entire creation which our hands have shaped. In the end all things we have done will be redeemed, forgiven and all things in the heavens and things of the earth will be united in Christ. (Ephesians 1, Romans 8)

God has our hands in His hands.

Go. Do things. Be humble. Be bold.

Your hands will do bad things.

Repent when they do. But know this: You will be repenting your whole life. When you look back on your life the goal is not “no regrets” but “no anxiety”. Because whatever your hands have done that has humbled you will be made beautiful in the fulfillment of the mystery of God’s merciful providence in Christ.

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